you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize