you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
