ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
