how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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