Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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