i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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