if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
