I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
