When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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