Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
