The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
