I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There are leaves in my underwear?
Never underestimate the power of titties
My orgasm happened in two different decades
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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