Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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