Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
