Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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