You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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