I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
