Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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