mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
