forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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