i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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