i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
