Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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