I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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