the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
