the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
