we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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