Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
