so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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