I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
