rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
