Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
