I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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