He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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