I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
