So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
