made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
