We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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