No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
