Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
