Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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