his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
