My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
