nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
