just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
