my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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