i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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