guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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