oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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