my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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