Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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