just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
