He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
