K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
