I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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