The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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