Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
