My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
