i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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