I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
